Saturday, March 12, 2011

Pointing the finger

Parents come in with child. Child had closed a door on his hand and lost the tip of his finger. When the plastic surgeon came in he was under the impression that they had brought the tip of the finger in with them. They explained that the tip of the finger was found, but at home. So the surgeon explained this means the kid will have a bit of a stubby finger.

Later in the day the parents call the ER and say they have the finger and want to know what to do with it. I would have told them to stick it up their ass.

Friday, March 04, 2011

Rough Sex

I was hanging around the fast track ED station when a PA comes from behind me asking my preceptor, "Can I borrow Greg for a male genital examination?" He allowed it and I was taken away like a library book.

We got the door of the examination room and the PA asked the patient behind the curtain if he had changed. He said that he needed just one more moment.

"What's the patient here for?"
"Some scrotal pain and a possible mass."
"Think it's epididymitis?"
"Could be the beginning of an abscess."
"I didn't even know you could get an abscess there..." And we walked in.

The patient sat there with the opening of his gown in the front, his shirt off, and boxers on. He had been specifically told to take everything off from the waist down with the opening on the gown to the back. I have learned to just expect these things.

(I'm going to be perfectly honest though and say he had a rockin body. So I wasn't complaining about the show. Go ahead and tell me that it's inappropriate to even think like that. But give me a break, I'm HUMAN.)

I looked on as the PA put her gloves on and the patient positioned himself flat on the table. She told him to show her what was going on, and he tried lowering his underwear as little as possible. The PA eventually just told him to take it off.

The PA started examining his scrotum and testes with her hand, while asking him where it hurt and how it felt. He then took that opportunity to tell us the whole story leading up to this.

"I was sitting at home and my shawty was on my lap. She started dry humping me a little, you know just for fun. I guess she was grinding her butt into me too hard. It didn't hurt when she was sitting on me, but did later on."

Personally the only part of this story that shocked me was that someone actually used the word "shawty" outside of a Bring It On franchise film. But what do I know I'm just a sheltered, suburban white boy.

The PA finished her examination and told the patient she needed a urine sample. She explained he could put his boxers back on, flip the opening of the gown to the back, and use the bathroom. I knew this went right over his head when he said, "Okay, I can go now," looking at us as if he was going to piss right in front of us. I told him the bathroom was across the hall.

This 40-something mother of 3 teenage daughters looked mortified as we walked back to the station.

"That was more information than I ever needed to know. All he needed to say was that he had rough sex."
"You mean rough foreplay."