Snobby Geckos

First let's start with one of my favorite Geico Commercials:


Yesterday was the annual family Christmas Party, where the 17 cousins exchange their Secret Santa Gifts. I also exchanged gifts with my aunt. I don't really know how we came about exchanging gifts, as opposed to me giving gifts to any other aunt or uncle, but it came to be. It turned out to be Snob-a-riffic. I got The Film Snob's Dictionary. And I gave her this great Threadless tee.

The snobbery didn't end there though. Today I was reunited with my Literature and Music Snob counterpart. We went to Borders, because Barnes and Noble is far too mainstream with their Starbucks and all. I was looking for Paste magazine for my dad, since he seemed to enjoy the free ones that magically started coming to our house. He's getting a subscription to it. I also got him a subscription for The Economist. So that filled my Music and World Affairs snobs quota of the day. I also got myself some magazines; GQ, Men's Health and Skeptic, which helped fill my Health, Hygiene, Style and General Intellectual quota in one great sneer. (And consequentially my Gay quota too)

We then decided to head over to Blockbusters to make fun of the movies for rental, and possibility get one if by some slim chance we saw something we liked. While there I proved that my "gay-movie-dar" is significantly stronger than my normal gaydar. At the sight of the cover of Amnesia: The James Brighton Enigma I can be quoted saying, "What, he woke up and had to come out of the closet all over again?" My friend then looked at the back cover and told me it was about someone who wakes up remembering only that he's gay. I'm truly amazing. This can be added to my list of super powers. My other one is being able to convince others that I'm right, even when I insist to them that I'm not sure and could be totally wrong. Unfortunately for those people, I'm normally right, in the sense that I'm wrong...

We ended up renting Spider-Man3. You may think that this goes against my movie snob senses - another power on the list - but really it didn't. The reasons I chose this were multi-fold. 1. I hadn't seen it yet, and had to finally know if MJ died. *CROSS FINGERS* 2. I heard it was terrible and thought it would be fun to make fun of it throughout the entire thing. 3. My friend is in love with Spider-Man and cried at how bad it was after seeing it in theaters. I thought this posed a great chance to get back at him for harassing me at how bad the third X-Men (my love) was.

Blockbuster fucked with me though. When I opened the DVD case I was shocked to see that no, not Spider-Man3 was there, but something equally terrible. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. Enraged, I did my best Tina Fey impersonation as described by my friend. Fuming in the car I thought of what I would say to the obviously self-loathing Blockbuster employee. "How did you not notice the wrong movie in the case when you opened it to put my receipt in there? Were you angry at me because I was renting that movie? Cause I'll have you know that I'm 5x's the movie snob you are, regardless of your girth. Did you think it would be funny? Cause there is NOTHING funny about I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry!" But instead I continued with the Tina Fey impersonation and stood in line waiting to get a substitute copy, swearing under my breath.

The outcome? Yes, it was indeed one of the stupidest movies of all time, and regret picking it over Ocean's 13 - prime chance for some eye candy. Firstly, Thomas Hayden Church is a terrible, terrible actor. Every scene he seemed to grow increasingly more confused as to what he was suppose to do. How about this idea: act. I now understand why he was casted for the role of the failed actor in Sideways, because it didn't require acting.

It wasn't all his fault, though. His character Sandman is innately stupid. A guy falls into a pit of sand, where what can only be assumed to be radioactive beams are spun around him, the actual target being the sand. Through some nice graphics the nucleotides which previously constructed his DNA are replaced with sand. Why the models of DNA that I've made with sand have never become sub-par acting villains I'll never understand. Another thing, WTF was the point of that experiment. What were those scientists hoping to gain from shooting radioactive beams at sand? Radioactive sand? WTF is radioactive sand good for? Okay, I'll stop trying to make sense of a comic book plot.

Another thing to note: People with high self-esteem, and have a way with the ladies do know look like this. Peter Parker is by no means an exception.

However, I was successful in keeping myself amused by mocking the movie throughout its duration, and consequently making my friend miserable.

That's all for now. I hope everyone has some very festive Politically Correct Days!