Milk

I saw Milk this evening. It was fairly eye opening for me, seeing a little bit of what the gay rights movement in San Fran was like in the 1970's.

There was one scene in particular that spoke to me. Harvey Milk is with a group of gays talking about how they're going to get Proposition 6 (not allow gays to teach) shot down. And he makes the plan pretty simple. You need to get as many gays to come out of the closet possible, because people who know a single gay is more likely to vote for gay rights 2:1. This is a statistic that I already knew about. It was especially emotional when one of Harvey's friends admits that he never told his parents. He is then put on the spot to make the phone call. Ugh, I would not want to be in his shoes. Regardless of how great it was to come out of the closet to my parents it is NOT something I would want to do again.

This got me thinking back to my office party that I attended last night. All of the women are very open abut talking about their sex lives and nether regions. I think it's cause it's basically all women in the office, so it's the side of women most guys don't see. Add some alcohol and you basically have them stripping each other.

Of course the topic of discussion falls squarely on me. All of the women absolutely adore me. I cannot stress this enough. They start probing me about my last relationship, my last fuck, etc. I pull out the "separation of personal and professional card" and avoid answering any questions. It was not my finest hour. I don't think this totally counts as staying in the closet, but my reaction wasn't purely an issue of professionalism. This I can admit. But in all fairness announcing that you're gay to a room full of drunks at an office Christmas party is a little rough. Could you imagine that silence at a single table of 15+ people?

I'm slightly concerned about coming out at work because of the doctor. I really couldn't give two shits about any of the women I work with. But he's very Irish Catholic, conservative and judging by anecdotal evidence has no gaydar. I don't know how he would react to that situation.

As it is, he prefers it if I don't assist with female patients during Total Body Scan Examinations for the comfort of the patient, since there is a plethora of female assistants. But on the other side of the coin he does like having me around because he exclusively has me assist with male genitalia issues, and since I'm the only male it makes me especially valuable. I'm afraid that if he knows I'm gay he's going to start second guessing this decision and acting weird/feeling uncomfortable. He makes some comments towards me which are obviously a male bonding type of thing and I would prefer not to change that.

But the movie makes me feel SO GUILTY. Like what the fuck am I doing for the gay movement. I can't complain about not having rights and NOT BE OUT. People have this stereotype of gays, but me coming out can change that stereotype so quickly for the people who know me.

Ugh. More on this later...