Monday, December 22, 2008

Nervous Breakdown?

Last year I kept a running tally of the number of schools I applied to and outcomes. I didn't do that with the PA schools. This may leave some of you feeling left in the dark. Allow me to shed a little light on my current situation.

Total number of programs applied: 18

Yes, that number is 1 - 8. States included NY, NJ, PA, CT, ME, MA, CA, MD

Total number of rejections: 10

Some of these came very quickly. Pennsylvania sent them out especially quickly. I think I only have like one active application left in that state out of 4 total. I suspect that I'm basically never going to hear from many of the remaining schools. That's what happened with most of the DO schools I applied to. I never got a letter saying what their decision was - the epitome of rude.

Total number of interview requests: 1

Yes, I know. This is really pathetic. I'm especially disappointed with this interview because I just found out I could only get a Certificate, as opposed to the Bachelors that I thought I would get. I'm not sure if this matters though in the grand scheme, since I already have a bachelors. I'm okay with the idea of getting a Masters later on in life. In fact I plan on getting it in something cool like Evolution.

Some people seem to be more frustrated with the state of things than I am. And I found out that people are even tip-toeing around the issue cause they think I might have a breakdown in front of them. This is not the case. My mental stability has been keep intact. I'm not totally discouraged, although I must admit I don't know why. I feel like I should be discouraged between the medschool and PA application saga, but I'm not. I think it's simply because I do have a job that I like.

So I wonder, do nervous breakdowns come out of nowhere or do people see them coming? The transition between applying to medschool and PA school went smoothly because I realized I wanted to be a PA. I had structure in life because there was a structured application cycle. I require structure in my life. It's the Capricorn in me. I told myself after college that I was going to stop trying to plan everything in my life, and I did, and I was happy. But I feel myself regressing back to those ways. I need to figure out wtf I'm going to do if I don't get into a program.

I feel there is no point in reapplying to PA school, unless I retake classes. To be honest, I do not want to retake classes. I just don't want to put myself through that. I don't want to work full-time and take classes. But really, it's more about retaking the classes, than it is about an overtime schedule. Some say that I should reapply simply because now I'm working full-time and have that experience under my belt, but I don't think it's enough to do the trick.

So I need to figure out my next goal. But at the same time I need to avoid the obsessive-compulsive way I use to attack things. If I go OCD again, then I will have a nervous breakdown.

I'm thinking the natural thing to go for next is nursing. There are attractive 15 month accelerated programs I can apply to. I can then go about getting an NP. But again, they require A+P and I don't want to go through that fiasco of retaking classes because they don't accept the A+P I took. Should this be the case though then I'm going to suck it up, take two months off from my job and take A+P over the summer.

Now even though going for nursing would give me a nice little goal which may keep me sane there is still the fact that I DON'T WANT TO BE A NURSE.

So when I consider the fact that I don't want to be a nurse I think about jobs I would enjoy. I do enjoy teaching biology. Should I be a HS teacher? But I don't want to have to get a masters in education. Plus, I don't know if I would actually enjoy teaching high schoolers. Teach college?
Should I try for a PhD? Thinking about this just hurts my head. Taking Subject GREs, researching school programs that I don't know anything about, and then doing research when I don't even like research. And then there is the pay which isn't what I'm aiming for, especially for a job that isn't in my first field of choice. Ugh.

Why couldn't I just have done better in school so I wouldn't be in this situation? I almost wish it was because I didn't try hard enough.


Joel T said...

Des Moines University.
Des Moines, Iowa.
Good school. Former Gov Branstad is the Pres of the university. My dad's partner when he had a clinic in northern Iowa was the governor's physician. My dad turned down an offer to teach there too.

Pending, P.A. said...

Ummm... Was that a suggestion of a school I should apply to? If you couldn't tell I can't get into "good schools." Also, what kind of program are we talking about here. PA, MD, DO???

Thanks anyway, though?

Stephen Ferrara, NP said...

Hi There, I just found your blog and have enjoyed your posts.

Good luck in your quest. As an NP, I'd suggest that you seriously consider that route. Oftentimes, people don't understand the entire nursing profession, let alone NPs. If you have the chance to shadow an NP, I think you'd get a great idea of the role.

Good luck,

Joel T said...

Was a suggestion to apply to DMU. They have PA and DO programs, as well as other medical careers. :-)